Downer

Sorry to make my return post a depressant, but as Meatwad would say, that's a sad story. Highlights:

Age: 52
Height: 5' 8"
Level of Education: B.A. English Literature
Occupation: Unemployed
Birthplace: Kenvir, Kentucky
Marital status: Divorced
How many children: Two
Do you drink (alcohol): Yes, often to excess. It stirs the Muse.
Do you smoke: Only tobacco

...

Croutons or bacon bits: Croutons
Favorite salad dressing: Peppercorn Ranch
Have you ever had your appendix or tonsils removed: Neither. But I would swap both tonsils, my appendix and throw in my spleen, too, if I could retrieve the prostate gland I lost last October.

...

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up: Professional football player, astronaut
What would be your dream job now: Writer
Have you ever been convicted of a crime: Yes, but it wasn't a felony. I would say I was framed, but I was guilty as hell.

...

Do you get along with your parents: My father died of prostate cancer in 1992. I get along fine with my mom, although she worries about me.

...

Favorite food: Blood-rare steak and shrimp
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Favorite ice cream: Breyer's Hershey's Chocolate with almonds
Favorite Snapple: Probably anything if you put vodka in it first. Otherwise, I never touch the stuff.

...

Best friends: Willie, Rick and Ed
Worst enemies: The unemployed, dope-smoking ex-friend shacking with my ex-wife now. The ex-wife.

...

Worst feeling in the world: Losing everything you ever cared about in life and knowing that you'll never get it back.
Best feeling in the world: Being in love.

...

What words or phrases do you overuse: Obscenities, mostly
Coolest things anyone ever gave you: The pocketknife my son bought me with his own money on Father's Day two years ago, after I broke mine at work. A postcard from the Panama Canal, stamped at 11:58, two minutes before the US turned the canal over to Panama. I believe my ex-wife has that now, and she never met the Ranger who sent it to me.

And the topper:

IT'S OVER

Mama died at 5:00 this morning, in her sleep.

The world lost a good woman today.